It's been a while since I updated. I'm not sure why, maybe waiting to see what happens? Maybe just no time, it's been hectic.
The good news is that we had a positive blood test - 171 hcg - pregnant! Now the long wait begins, we have to wait until the 10th to get an ultrasound. Trying not to stress, trying not to be petrified that i'll start bleeding.
This weekend brought some scary moments. Saturday morning I had an excruciating pain over my right ovary, so bad I could barely walk. B and I waited, and waited, for me to start bleeding, we really thought that was it. The pain remained, came and went worse then better, but no bleeding. At 8pm we finally called Boston IVF and got a wonderful Doctor in Waltham call us. She assured us it didn't sound like a miscarriage and made us an appointment for Monday (yesterday). Sunday the pain got a little better, felt more like an ache, like i'd been kicked, than the sharp pain of saturday. By Monday I could walk better, sit easier, though still sore. An ultrasound and some blood work confirmed the pregnancy was okay, and i'd probably had an ovarian cyst rupture, they could see blood in my belly, and because i was feeling better it was resolving.
The bummer was we didn't see anything on the ultrasound - now at 4.5 weeks, we'd be pretty lucky to see anything, but still I guess i was hoping for a little sac, just something, to let us know it was all okay. My hcg numbers were over 1800, which is right where I should be, so there's no reason just yet to think it wouldn't be good, I guess just after a loooong weekend, some reasurrance would have been nice. But at least I only have to wait until next thursday to find out....!
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Friday, June 20, 2014
Two to transfer
Well, we ended up pretty much where we were last time - two embryo's to transfer and none to freeze. Though disappointed at the result, both of us were relieved and happy to have something to transfer. They're two good looking embryo's, so we're really hoping at least one has stuck. We're 5 days away from testing right now, and I haven't really felt much in the way of symptoms. Today to I feel very "periody", so it's hard to be positive. By this time last round I was feeling sick, achy and couldn't stand the smell of cooking. Sigh. Please let this be our turn....
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Trials
This round has definitely been harder. The process itself was much easier - less injections, shorter protocol, no lupron side effects keeping me bedridden. But there seems so much more at stake this time, so many more things to go wrong.
We had egg retrieval, and although disappointed, we did get 9 eggs, so we came home with at least the sense that it would be a little like last time, and were fairly certain we'd make it to egg transfer. The next day though it all came crashing down for me - only 4 fertilized. Now we're in limbo - we'll get a call today with our time to come in one monday (a 5 day transfer, even though we had so few eggs). I'm totally stressed out, I feel defeated and down. Today we could get a call saying don't come in, or even on monday they may let us know that nothing came through and there would be no transfer.
I remember this 'space' being stressful last time, but I guess I always knew there would be at least one to transfer, and at that time we were hopeful we'd have some to freeze (which we didn't). This time I just feel like all is lost, like I should be preparing to hear that we've been cancelled and there will be no transfer. So much of me is hardwired to expect the worst and be surprised when good comes. So much of B is completely the opposite, so at the moment he's having a hard time, and i'm even more stressed that i'm stressing him out. Oy! Talk about a can't win situation. I wish I could just blow it off, but the scientist part of me wants to know what the hell went wrong - everything looked so good - more follicles, more eggs, protocol for poor responders......where did our good outcome go? I don't want to wish away a baby before it's gone, but it's just hard to look on the bright side right now...
We had egg retrieval, and although disappointed, we did get 9 eggs, so we came home with at least the sense that it would be a little like last time, and were fairly certain we'd make it to egg transfer. The next day though it all came crashing down for me - only 4 fertilized. Now we're in limbo - we'll get a call today with our time to come in one monday (a 5 day transfer, even though we had so few eggs). I'm totally stressed out, I feel defeated and down. Today we could get a call saying don't come in, or even on monday they may let us know that nothing came through and there would be no transfer.
I remember this 'space' being stressful last time, but I guess I always knew there would be at least one to transfer, and at that time we were hopeful we'd have some to freeze (which we didn't). This time I just feel like all is lost, like I should be preparing to hear that we've been cancelled and there will be no transfer. So much of me is hardwired to expect the worst and be surprised when good comes. So much of B is completely the opposite, so at the moment he's having a hard time, and i'm even more stressed that i'm stressing him out. Oy! Talk about a can't win situation. I wish I could just blow it off, but the scientist part of me wants to know what the hell went wrong - everything looked so good - more follicles, more eggs, protocol for poor responders......where did our good outcome go? I don't want to wish away a baby before it's gone, but it's just hard to look on the bright side right now...
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Here we go again....
Injections started last friday and today we had our first monitoring appointment. All went well, we're exactly where they wanted us to be....:) It seems somewhat surreal to be back, after the hugs and tears of joy when we left some of the nurses and technicians last time, to today, where they're apologizing that we're there again, and wishing us good luck for this round. Here's to hoping...
Monday, April 28, 2014
Another long road over
This particular road has been long and bumpy, but i'm glad to say we're now over the hump, out of the woods and can see the future clearly again. The cytotec didn't work. The week after I took it we had a Saline Ultrasound appointment at Boston IVF, which our wonderful Dr. Lannon did. He found more tissue, well embedded, that would need removal via hysteroscopy. The news hit hard, but at least I could see forward, and at least it was now clear why nearly 8 weeks later I was still bleeding.
The next day the nurse called with our schedule for the hysteroscopy. I have to say that was the hardest day of this whole process - over 5 weeks they needed us to wait because of scheduling, meaning 5 more weeks of miscarrying. Suddenly I couldn't see the future, I couldn't see the way forward and I couldn't cope. The first time I think I have ever felt like that. Even through the initial miscarriage I could still look at baby things and think 'one day', suddenly the thought of another 5 weeks of miscarrying, another 5 weeks before they potentially found more wrong, another 5 weeks of bleeding and inability to 'get back to normal', another 5 weeks with a piece of what was once such joy to us still inside me, was too much to bare. I wanted to try cytotec again, I wanted drugs to induce a period, I wanted to do something, because sitting miscarrying for another 5 weeks just wasn't going to cut it for me. I really never want to feel like that again, and even starting thinking maybe this just wasn't for me, maybe we should move to adoption right now. No one could help either, though B tried, there was really nothing that could make me feel better, I just felt empty, defeated, alone.
Luckily within a week they called back with a cancellation, I could have the hysteroscopy on the 23rd April, nearly 10 weeks since the miscarriage. It went well, though my usual grogginess with anesthesia, Dr Lannon found the piece and managed to pull it free without cutting. Even more of a relief is he found nothing else in there, no morphological reason for the miscarriage and everything looked great. So great in fact we're on for June, and the evening of the surgery I started estrogen (as a substitute for the pill).
I should be elated, but it's hard. I can see the future again, which is good. I can look at baby things and think one day B and I will have our chance to go wild and spoil our children. But I also feel like we're right back at the beginning, right back where we started, only 6 months older, 6 months further along. I want to be hopeful, but it's still a slim chance it'll even work again, let alone get us to the point of being terrified we'll miscarry again. I found myself thinking again of what we could do differently next time to prevent a miscarriage (in reality nothing) and it suddenly struck me we might not even get pregnant, it's only a 30% chance we will.....
So here we go again.....we start injectables on the 30th May....
The next day the nurse called with our schedule for the hysteroscopy. I have to say that was the hardest day of this whole process - over 5 weeks they needed us to wait because of scheduling, meaning 5 more weeks of miscarrying. Suddenly I couldn't see the future, I couldn't see the way forward and I couldn't cope. The first time I think I have ever felt like that. Even through the initial miscarriage I could still look at baby things and think 'one day', suddenly the thought of another 5 weeks of miscarrying, another 5 weeks before they potentially found more wrong, another 5 weeks of bleeding and inability to 'get back to normal', another 5 weeks with a piece of what was once such joy to us still inside me, was too much to bare. I wanted to try cytotec again, I wanted drugs to induce a period, I wanted to do something, because sitting miscarrying for another 5 weeks just wasn't going to cut it for me. I really never want to feel like that again, and even starting thinking maybe this just wasn't for me, maybe we should move to adoption right now. No one could help either, though B tried, there was really nothing that could make me feel better, I just felt empty, defeated, alone.
Luckily within a week they called back with a cancellation, I could have the hysteroscopy on the 23rd April, nearly 10 weeks since the miscarriage. It went well, though my usual grogginess with anesthesia, Dr Lannon found the piece and managed to pull it free without cutting. Even more of a relief is he found nothing else in there, no morphological reason for the miscarriage and everything looked great. So great in fact we're on for June, and the evening of the surgery I started estrogen (as a substitute for the pill).
I should be elated, but it's hard. I can see the future again, which is good. I can look at baby things and think one day B and I will have our chance to go wild and spoil our children. But I also feel like we're right back at the beginning, right back where we started, only 6 months older, 6 months further along. I want to be hopeful, but it's still a slim chance it'll even work again, let alone get us to the point of being terrified we'll miscarry again. I found myself thinking again of what we could do differently next time to prevent a miscarriage (in reality nothing) and it suddenly struck me we might not even get pregnant, it's only a 30% chance we will.....
So here we go again.....we start injectables on the 30th May....
Friday, April 4, 2014
Cytotec
6 weeks came and went a week ago, 7 weeks will be tomorrow. This feels like the longest miscarriage ever, but I know from internet searching that isn't true. It's certainly a long one. This week I went back to the OB/GYN to talk about why I was still bleeding. After an exam they sent me for an ultrasound and found that I still have 'remains' inside my uterus, and that is why i'm still bleeding. On the good news my iron is back to normal so I can stop taking iron pills (3 less pills a day - woo hoo!) and my HCG is finally zero.
But because there is still stuff inside last night I took a dose of cytotec to get the rest out. This drug is used to induce labor and to aid in miscarriages. I so wish i'd never heard of it until labor needed inducing, but in many ways this is hopefully the end of that chapter and beginning of a new one. Next week i'm due for another saline ultrasound to check out what's going on inside there. The IVF center says that if that is all good and my baseline bloodwork comes back okay that we can go on the May cycle. Though that would be awesome and just what I/We need, i'm not going to believe it until that first injection. This is already two months later than we wanted to get back on the wagon, i'm just having a hard time believing this miscarriage will ever end at the moment.
The cytotec has been going okay so far, I took the day off work as they said it could take three days, which should get me to the end of the weekend, so hopefully i'll be okay by monday. Some nausea and cramps, dizziness and some 'stuff' is definitely coming out, but nothing like those initial days. No major bleeding either, just stuff. Maybe that'll change, either way, I really hope this is it.....
But because there is still stuff inside last night I took a dose of cytotec to get the rest out. This drug is used to induce labor and to aid in miscarriages. I so wish i'd never heard of it until labor needed inducing, but in many ways this is hopefully the end of that chapter and beginning of a new one. Next week i'm due for another saline ultrasound to check out what's going on inside there. The IVF center says that if that is all good and my baseline bloodwork comes back okay that we can go on the May cycle. Though that would be awesome and just what I/We need, i'm not going to believe it until that first injection. This is already two months later than we wanted to get back on the wagon, i'm just having a hard time believing this miscarriage will ever end at the moment.
The cytotec has been going okay so far, I took the day off work as they said it could take three days, which should get me to the end of the weekend, so hopefully i'll be okay by monday. Some nausea and cramps, dizziness and some 'stuff' is definitely coming out, but nothing like those initial days. No major bleeding either, just stuff. Maybe that'll change, either way, I really hope this is it.....
Monday, March 17, 2014
Still waiting
I'm not good at waiting. B will confirm this in a heartbeat. This whole process has been a lot of waiting for me - testing for IVF, waiting for results. Starting IVF, waiting for blood results. Finishing IVF, waiting to see if it worked. Had a positive HCG test, waiting for the ultrasound. Bleeding, waiting to see if it mattered. And now the worst of the waiting by far. Miscarried, waiting for my HCG levels to return to normal. We're now 4 weeks on from that awful day, and i'm still bleeding, still anemic, and my HCG level is still 148. We were hoping to get into the April IVF session, but that is now not going to happen, the earliest we'll start is May.
Moreover, it is a reminder of something I don't need reminding about. Along with the extra 10 pounds I ballooned after the miscarriage (hormones i'm told), the tiredness, the dizziness, they're all reminders that i'm not pregnant anymore, and that I won't be until all this settles. I understand the need to wait, but my brain says no, I want to start again now, I want to put this behind me, I want to move closer again to a family of our own.
I'll do HCG tests weekly. There's nothing I can do to make it go down quicker, so it's just hope every time I have blood drawn that this week will be the one. Until then, I take my vitamins, supplements baby aspirin and iron, hoping that day will be soon.
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