And an update

To start with the result, we were pregnant, for a short, brief period, but are not anymore. I stopped Endometrin this morning, and now the long wait begins for my HCG to come back to 0.

Everything seemed to be going really well, we had 3-4 follicles, even 5 at one appointment, so we triggered, went into surgery and they only retrieved two eggs. Devastated doesn't really sum it up properly, we'd always got one more egg than follicles seen, so to get less than that was a shock. It all has to do with not being on an ovulation stopper, they have to guess when to trigger rather than wait for eggs to catch up in size, so you just don't get as many mature. The next morning it went from bad to worse when we learned we only had one fertilize, but it was doing okay so they were going to do a 2 day transfer - might as well use my body as the incubator. We went in for the transfer and learned that the embryo was dividing slowly, not a good sign. So many not good signs. But we went ahead and came out with a realistic view that it was pretty improbably. Did a pee test about a week later and it came up negative.

The three days before our HCG appointment I decided to do a pee test again...only this time it came up positive. And another. And another. B went out and got a test that shows how many weeks pregnant you are, and it said 1-2. Only issue is that I should have been 2-3. The HCG came back positive, but boarderline, so we went for another HCG test today, to learn that the HCG was decreasing, a sign we had miscarried or had a 'chemical' pregnancy. Quite the rollercoaster of emotions, luckily smoothed out some today by it being a holiday, so our little man was home with us and there to cuddle with and play with through our sorrow at this round not working.

Where to next? We're trying to decide. We have only one more round in us financially, and we don't really have a full IVF round unless we take out loans. Do we do another mini-IVF? Do we take out the loans and hedge our bets on getting more eggs? It's so hard. I so wish at least some of this was insurance covered, then we could make the best medical decision rather than a financial one...

In the back of my mind too is how long it took for my HCG to drop after the major miscarriage in the first round we did. Because of my new position, I only have this summer to do this in....if it takes months again, we're out of luck all together....please please don't take that long......

And we're off......

The results came back just fine (my AMH had actually increased....didn't know that could happen!), and so we've begun a Mini-IVF cycle with Boston IVF. So far i'm on day 4 of clomid, and feeling great so far. The weirdest thing (besides not having a bruised belly from injections) is the lack of monitoring. I had an ultrasound on day 1 and now they're not seeing me until Saturday (day 8). It makes me nervous....I really want to know how many eggs are coming through, as of course, we need 2 to progress to retrieval, and we just have no idea what is going on in there right now. 

In addition to the IVF I started having acupuncture again. I wish I could say it's better than last time, but boy, needles = no fun. It's not bad, and after they're in I do relax....but some of them really do hurt, particularly in my feet! I've had 2 sessions so far and now the plan is to see what our schedule looks like next week. In theory this time next week i'd be close to retrieval.....lets hope for that outcome! 

Yet again B has managed to come to all the appointments with me. We weren't sure if that was possible given our schedule with a little one, but it's worked out so far so we hope it'll continue to do so. Having B there not only makes me feel a whole lot better about being prodded and poked, but I also feel like he's part of the process too, rather than just me. So much of IVF is about the woman (even with male factor), thats it hard sometimes not to feel like you're being picked on....having your man there every step of the way helps, or at least it helped me. 

There is a huge difference in this cycle for us, and not just because it's a Mini rather than full IVF cycle. There is a weight lifted, it's more relaxed. Personally I put it down to having an amazing small person in our life now, it's not so desperate as before, not so dire if it goes wrong. We'll both be heartbroken if something goes wrong this time too, but I don't feel like it will be a blackhole like last time. We will still have a family, with a child, regardless of whether this works or not. There's a lot to be said for that. 

Again?

We've been thinking a lot about trying again (and of course trying the regular way, which has about a 1 in a million chance of happening....but hey, we figure someone out there wins the lottery, why not us?). We visited Dr Lannon at Boston IVF a few days ago and today just signed the paperwork to begin round 3 in May.

This time we'll try Mini-IVF, or Natural Cycle IVF as its sometimes called. Less drugs, less money, maybe less chance of success, it's hard to tell. We were "lucky", we did IVF twice and it worked twice. But in both those highly medicated (very high in the case of the second one) I never made that many eggs, and when it came to it, only two embryos survived to transfer. So the thought is to put all my energy into producing just two eggs, and hope that makes them "good eggs". Dr Lannon feels it's the first eggs produced that are the better ones anyway (no data, as it's impossible to track), so maybe it'll work. There have been a few papers out too that show that for women with low egg reserves, Mini-IVF can be a better choice. So we're going for it.

Testing should begin next week, to see if i'm still a candidate.......the rollercoaster begins. It's not without some trepidation, we have an amazing baby boy, shouldn't we be satisfied with that? We really are, and if that is where we end up, we'll always be happy and thankful for what we have. But we always wanted two children, so our little guy can grow up with a sibling, particularly where B and I are older. There's also concern over ending up with twins, something we go into this knowing could happen, but it's far from our ideal.

So it begins.....

Merry Christmas!

It's been an emotional day, not just because this is our first Christmas as a family of three, but because this is the 2 year anniversary of starting those IVF drugs for round one. The snowstorm, the no power trying to keep $6K of drugs cold, the sleeping by the fire, the injections in the dark....everything that followed.......much saddness, much happiness. I look at our little guy and still have a hard time believing sometimes he's here. I still think of our twins who aren't. He's so amazing. So happy, so smart, so healthy....he's crawling, almost walking, jabbering. How did we get so lucky? We're hoping you'll all get lucky too, our hearts are still with you this Christmas season. 

He's here

Our little guy arrived on March 5th, weighing in at 6lbs 4oz and perfectly healthy. We'd ended up being induced on his due date, March 4th, for low amniotic fluid. After a 30hr+ labor he finally made his entrance into the world (no c-section required!), and into our hearts. It's hard to believe it has now been nearly 2 weeks since we became a family.

So this is the end of our story, at least for now. We're unsure if we'll do IVF again (if we do, we'll be back to update this page). We'd love to give D a little brother or sister, but with so many issues and heartache along the line, and so much uncertainty of outcome, we're just not sure if we'll ever be ready to start down the path again. For now, we're just going to enjoy every moment with this little man, our mini miracle of science.

To all those out there still trying through IVF, our hearts are with you.

Impatiently Waiting

Well, here we are at 38+5, as they say in the pregnancy forums, meaning 38 weeks plus 5 days. Here we are, waiting. Impatiently. Sort of desperate, really, to meet our baby and hold our baby in our arms.

We ended up at the hospital last Sunday, because R was having fairly regular contractions, and we don't know what we're doing since she's never been pregnant before. Turns out that was just a test run, and since her cervix hadn't dilated at all, we were sent home. More waiting.

Today, we had an OB appointment. Her blood pressure was high (sort of - certainly high for her), and she mentioned that she had been seeing flashy stars recently, which we didn't think much of because they didn't seem that bad. Well, that got our OB talking about pre-eclampsia, so he scooted us off to Labor & Delivery to have the vitals checked. Baby turned out to have a heartbeat like a champ, and though R's blood pressure was once again high for her, the OB in L&D said it was fine and sent us home. Again. To wait.

The funny thing is, of course, that if you had told us around week 8 that we would make it all the way to 38+5 and have a healthy baby gestating in R's belly, we would have been ecstatic. I try to remind myself of that when I get impatient, or I get worried about whether the baby really will come out OK. R worries a lot, too, since she knows folks who lost babies after stillbirths past their due dates. I try to remind myself that the baby is doing great, and has demonstrated a certain flair for ignoring problems so far, but still, when all you have to do is wait... you worry.

So I work, and we watch movies, and we entertain ourselves by chasing baby's feet around R's belly. We even talk to the baby, trying to encourage an exit. Any time, there, baby. We're ready.

Full Term!

Wow. Words we didn't think we'd hear, but today our little baby is full term, 37 weeks, kicking away and even catching up in size. We'd spend so much time being told baby would be early, and preparing for that, that we didn't even consider we'd be here one day. I guess all that bed rest and restricted activity really does work.......even if it just makes me sore and unable to walk properly! Our last ultrasound showed he's head down and catching up in size (50th percentile!), so no early extraction for this little one, it's wait for labor to begin!

We were still warned that we're at higher risk for an emergency C-section, so to be prepared for that. Because of all the hematoma issues, if his heart rate drops at all during labor (which they'd normally watch for a while and see if it went in cycles) they would opt for a fast c-section. Reading up, I guess it's a sign that the clot could be interfering with the placenta, so better to be safe than sorry.

So pleased and so happy to be here. So concerned and excited for what birth will bring us. Any day now little one, any day.