A quote I read today. Hoping this baby will be our rainbow. Stay put for a little while longer little one, we'll be ready to meet you then.
“It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.”
This is why a baby after a loss is called a rainbow baby!
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Thursday, December 11, 2014
28 Weeks - on to the Third Trimester!
Yesterday was an exciting day - 28 weeks, and we're officially on to the third trimester, no matter which way you track the trimesters. Our little baby is getting bigger all the time, and that means more discomfort for R, but we're both excited to be here!
I found myself thinking back the other day, all the way to last Christmas when we started our first round of injections. Then to May, when we started it all again. Now here we are, heading towards another Christmas, and a New Year with our baby. As much as I still worry, (and I definitely still worry - one morning without R reporting a swift kick is enough for that!) I'm really starting to get excited and look forward to the spring adventure. I am planning to attend a 'Daddy Boot Camp' in January, where I can meet some new dads and new babies, and learn a bit more about what goes into caring for the little ones. Since I never grew up with babies, this should be an interesting time!
Now it's time to start thinking about 'go' bags, and I'm going to put all of the major hospitals in Maine into quick-route links on my phone, because you just never know when our little baby will decide to make an appearance. And I can't wait!
I found myself thinking back the other day, all the way to last Christmas when we started our first round of injections. Then to May, when we started it all again. Now here we are, heading towards another Christmas, and a New Year with our baby. As much as I still worry, (and I definitely still worry - one morning without R reporting a swift kick is enough for that!) I'm really starting to get excited and look forward to the spring adventure. I am planning to attend a 'Daddy Boot Camp' in January, where I can meet some new dads and new babies, and learn a bit more about what goes into caring for the little ones. Since I never grew up with babies, this should be an interesting time!
Now it's time to start thinking about 'go' bags, and I'm going to put all of the major hospitals in Maine into quick-route links on my phone, because you just never know when our little baby will decide to make an appearance. And I can't wait!
Monday, November 24, 2014
'You're lucky it's not twins"
It's something i've heard over the last few months, more than once.
As i've got large enough to show, people ask questions, they're so excited about a pregnancy, everyone loves a baby, and they say well meaning things. B and I decided we were going to be open about having IVF, so if it fits the conversation, we tell people. There is still a stigma around IVF for some folks, and we felt we wanted to be part of the solution, maybe one day we could even be the voice to talk to (that we never had) for another couple going through what we've gone through. Admittedly I think we're only this way because we're coming closer and closer to success, but we had so much support from the internet through blogs we knew we wanted to write one, and we had so little verbal support from those who had gone through what we were going through, we want to be there for friends who may need to just talk over a procedure, result or bad day.
"You're lucky it's not twins" is something that has often come out when people hear we're just expecting one. Usually followed by a story about a friend who did IVF who had twins and 'what a nightmare'. I smile, I know it's well meaning and I know people just don't know, but sometimes I wish I could just say that actually, we'd love to, and would do anything to be holding our twins right now. It would be great to be in the position to not even consider having IVF again, going through the pain and ups and downs again, but at the moment we haven't ruled it out, because both of us would have loved two children. If we go for it again, given our success rate, we'd probably chose again to put two embryos back in, as in our case the chances are higher that we'd end up with one baby - but there is a chance we'd end up with two and have three children total. Would we be thrilled, yes, is it our ideal, not really, for many reasons we feel two is a good number. We really would have loved twins the first time round.
It's amazing how much you learn through this process, learn the ups and the downs, what can be sensitive that no-one would ever have guessed. It's certainly up'ed my empathy and made me think more about what I say to pregnant women.
Another one that has gotten me a few times is "I know exactly how you feel", because in reality, you don't, everyone feels very differently, and unless you've gone through exactly the same procedure, loss or pain or whatever it is, you can't even really say "I know what you're going through" either without it stinging the other person. In reality it's discarding their pain, invalidating it, like it doesn't matter, because you had your own pain you dealt with, doesn't mean it's anything like another persons, no matter what the circumstances. I know i'll never say those words to anyone again, though we know they were meant in comfort, they really hurt to the core at the time.
As i've got large enough to show, people ask questions, they're so excited about a pregnancy, everyone loves a baby, and they say well meaning things. B and I decided we were going to be open about having IVF, so if it fits the conversation, we tell people. There is still a stigma around IVF for some folks, and we felt we wanted to be part of the solution, maybe one day we could even be the voice to talk to (that we never had) for another couple going through what we've gone through. Admittedly I think we're only this way because we're coming closer and closer to success, but we had so much support from the internet through blogs we knew we wanted to write one, and we had so little verbal support from those who had gone through what we were going through, we want to be there for friends who may need to just talk over a procedure, result or bad day.
"You're lucky it's not twins" is something that has often come out when people hear we're just expecting one. Usually followed by a story about a friend who did IVF who had twins and 'what a nightmare'. I smile, I know it's well meaning and I know people just don't know, but sometimes I wish I could just say that actually, we'd love to, and would do anything to be holding our twins right now. It would be great to be in the position to not even consider having IVF again, going through the pain and ups and downs again, but at the moment we haven't ruled it out, because both of us would have loved two children. If we go for it again, given our success rate, we'd probably chose again to put two embryos back in, as in our case the chances are higher that we'd end up with one baby - but there is a chance we'd end up with two and have three children total. Would we be thrilled, yes, is it our ideal, not really, for many reasons we feel two is a good number. We really would have loved twins the first time round.
It's amazing how much you learn through this process, learn the ups and the downs, what can be sensitive that no-one would ever have guessed. It's certainly up'ed my empathy and made me think more about what I say to pregnant women.
Another one that has gotten me a few times is "I know exactly how you feel", because in reality, you don't, everyone feels very differently, and unless you've gone through exactly the same procedure, loss or pain or whatever it is, you can't even really say "I know what you're going through" either without it stinging the other person. In reality it's discarding their pain, invalidating it, like it doesn't matter, because you had your own pain you dealt with, doesn't mean it's anything like another persons, no matter what the circumstances. I know i'll never say those words to anyone again, though we know they were meant in comfort, they really hurt to the core at the time.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Week 24
Well, it has been since August that I last updated, though B has been doing a great job of checking in now and then. We're at week 24, and as I sit here typing I can feel baby kicking away. It's certainly helped the worry to feel our baby moving around every day, even if a lot of babies kicks are way too low for comfort, and usually at 3am.
All in all things are going well. We've met with most of the OB's at the practice we're hoping to give birth at (one to go, who we'll meet in a few weeks), and though we like them all, we had one we really connected with a few weeks ago. He reminded us of our IVF Dr. Rather than being (a little too) empathetic with us, he was straight talking and was super informative. I don't know if it's just what we've been through, or the fact we're both scientists, but the sticky sweet empathy hasn't really been doing it for us.
At our last appointment (Week 22) we went loaded with questions. Getting closer and closer to viability has us thinking about the birth (and exciting turn for us to make), and our weekly scans had ended with the anatomy scan at week 20. We've been consistently told that because of the clot, we'll likely give birth early, and though there's still no good predictor of when that might be, the OB agreed and said the course of action from here on in is to do month growth scans, keep a close eye and just take it as it comes. Having been basically sedentary (or more than sedentary) for 5 months (or since January if you count pregnancy 1), I was also keen to move more and do some exercise - yoga, swimming - something to get my stamina back. He unfortunately shot that one down, and told me to hibernate until at least week 32, after that, they might be more willing to let me do what I want, as a birth after 32 weeks generally have better outcomes. So in his words, I am hibernating for the Maine winter. If we make it to week 32, we can give birth in Augusta too, which we would prefer, but before that and we'll be sent to Portland, where they have a higher level NICU.
So that's the update. My mind has wandered a few times to the what if's this month. With a different outcome we should have been welcoming our twins in October and had a full house for Christmas. I'm not a dweller, so I try to think forward to seeing this little one, currently kicking my bladder, in a few not-so-short months, and just hoping they stay put for at least another 8 weeks.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
The longest 40 weeks...
Well, it's been over a month since we last updated the blog; I guess the best news is that we really haven't had anything especially noteworthy to share with the world! We've had another visit with another one of the OB staff at Maine General, and we go for our anatomy scan down in Portland on Monday. Our baby's heartbeat has been great whenever we've listened to it, and so it seems that everything is just humming along towards next March. The SCH (clot) had unfortunately not disappeared as first thought, our next scan showed it still to be there, and still at ~3cm. The good news was that it was completely inactive, which was a first, and there's so far been no more bleeding, a huge success really.
Except that it's not that easy, of course. R still has a lot of Round Ligament Pain (RLP) that has been her constant companion. Between that and the various other mysterious pains and pressures (hip pain, pressure 'down low', etc.), we haven't really been able to relax. I know my intention for this second round of IVF was to enjoy each day of success, but it turns out that's harder than you might think. I still get a little knot in my stomach every time R heads to the bathroom, wondering if this will be the time that she comes out and says she's bleeding again. When she hurts, I brace myself to hear her say something is really wrong.
We're both trying to stay positive and plan for success - we've been buying some baby gear as we find it on sale or see something that we think is particularly cute. We've told more of our friends that we're expecting, and R let everyone at work know too. In some ways that's helped me, I think, in that you get a lot of positive energy from folks who hear the news and don't have the emotional baggage that we do from the previous cycle and the early part of this one. In other ways, it's hard to let more people know because we can't help but think that it's one more person that we'll need to talk to if this pregnancy goes bad.
One thing's for sure - this is going to be the longest 40 weeks of my life. We're counting days and weeks, and we're not even halfway there yet. I always remember what one of R's friends said when we told her about the twin pregnancy - "The next 40 weeks will fly by!" As it turns out, reality couldn't be further from that statement. Still, we're happy to know that our little baby is still in there, kicking away at R's bladder and making her uncomfortable. We'll just wait and hope.
Except that it's not that easy, of course. R still has a lot of Round Ligament Pain (RLP) that has been her constant companion. Between that and the various other mysterious pains and pressures (hip pain, pressure 'down low', etc.), we haven't really been able to relax. I know my intention for this second round of IVF was to enjoy each day of success, but it turns out that's harder than you might think. I still get a little knot in my stomach every time R heads to the bathroom, wondering if this will be the time that she comes out and says she's bleeding again. When she hurts, I brace myself to hear her say something is really wrong.
We're both trying to stay positive and plan for success - we've been buying some baby gear as we find it on sale or see something that we think is particularly cute. We've told more of our friends that we're expecting, and R let everyone at work know too. In some ways that's helped me, I think, in that you get a lot of positive energy from folks who hear the news and don't have the emotional baggage that we do from the previous cycle and the early part of this one. In other ways, it's hard to let more people know because we can't help but think that it's one more person that we'll need to talk to if this pregnancy goes bad.
One thing's for sure - this is going to be the longest 40 weeks of my life. We're counting days and weeks, and we're not even halfway there yet. I always remember what one of R's friends said when we told her about the twin pregnancy - "The next 40 weeks will fly by!" As it turns out, reality couldn't be further from that statement. Still, we're happy to know that our little baby is still in there, kicking away at R's bladder and making her uncomfortable. We'll just wait and hope.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Chillaxin' Baby
We've been continuing our weekly ultrasounds at Maine General while R has been bleeding, and though there was a mixup on the appointment that we were supposed to have on Tuesday, we got in on Wednesday morning. There, we received some great news - there is no sign of the hematoma. R hasn't bled for almost a week now, so we were somewhat hopeful, but even the week before the ultrasound tech had immediately spotted the hematoma.
It was a great feeling to stare at the ultrasound image on the monitor and not have anything other than our perfect little baby to look at. Turns out, the baby was just chillaxin' in the uterus, wondering what all our stress and fuss is about.
It was a great feeling to stare at the ultrasound image on the monitor and not have anything other than our perfect little baby to look at. Turns out, the baby was just chillaxin' in the uterus, wondering what all our stress and fuss is about.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
A Great Day
It seems like we don't get to say this very often, what with the worrying about the bleeding, wondering whether new pains are indicators of something bad, or just the pregnancy progressing, and R generally feeling pretty icky, but yesterday was a really great day.
We had another ultrasound up at Maine General, with a tech who was super efficient and very nice. Our little baby was rolling around a little bit during the scan, and everything looked just fine. The SCH was even a little bit smaller, so that was very encouraging.
Later in the day, R got the call from the Genetic Counselor down in Portland - all of the tests came back negative, so we can finally exhale a little bit. And, to top it all off, the gender came back opposite of what we both had assumed! Neither one of us knew why, but we had solid feelings that we knew the gender, and when we revealed our intuition to each other, we even agreed. So we had decided it was a foregone conclusion; so much so that I hadn't even bothered looking at names for the opposite gender! I guess this is just another indicator that my ESP powers aren't all I think they're cracked up to be.
There's still plenty to worry about, of course, and I doubt we'll stop worrying until we are holding our baby in our arms, but I'm allowing myself to be more hopeful. Tomorrow we'll be at 13 weeks, and if the SCH keeps getting smaller, hopefully we can try to relax and enjoy some of the pregnancy. I keep reminding myself to take it a day at a time, and yesterday was a really great day!
We had another ultrasound up at Maine General, with a tech who was super efficient and very nice. Our little baby was rolling around a little bit during the scan, and everything looked just fine. The SCH was even a little bit smaller, so that was very encouraging.
Later in the day, R got the call from the Genetic Counselor down in Portland - all of the tests came back negative, so we can finally exhale a little bit. And, to top it all off, the gender came back opposite of what we both had assumed! Neither one of us knew why, but we had solid feelings that we knew the gender, and when we revealed our intuition to each other, we even agreed. So we had decided it was a foregone conclusion; so much so that I hadn't even bothered looking at names for the opposite gender! I guess this is just another indicator that my ESP powers aren't all I think they're cracked up to be.
There's still plenty to worry about, of course, and I doubt we'll stop worrying until we are holding our baby in our arms, but I'm allowing myself to be more hopeful. Tomorrow we'll be at 13 weeks, and if the SCH keeps getting smaller, hopefully we can try to relax and enjoy some of the pregnancy. I keep reminding myself to take it a day at a time, and yesterday was a really great day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)