Friday, September 2, 2016

The end of the story.

Just hoping for a different result doesn't really change it, as we've learned the hard way this last few weeks. Yes, we were pregnant. Yes, we saw a baby on the ultrasound at 6.5weeks, heartbeat and all. Baby measured 3 days behind where they should be, so we went back the next week. Baby then measured 7 days behind where they should be. Our last ultrasound yesterday, officially at 9 weeks, and baby had no heartbeat.

We knew from reading up that that was the most likely outcome. I have a tilted uterus though, so there was this glimmer of hope that that was getting in the way and showing less growth than was real. Yesterday that all came crashing down, in many ways it was good to have a final answer, a resolution, rather than the uncertainty that we've had in the last month. The low hcg readings, the slightly smaller baby, then even smaller than it should have been. In all likelihood there were genetic issues - we're just shy of 40, so that isn't so unrealistic.

And now another wait. My body has yet to miscarry our deceased baby. If you're infertile a D&C is not a good idea (and who knows, maybe that 1 in a billion natural pregnancy might happen to us, so we don't want to affect those already low odds), so we wait. It could be days, it could be weeks, or it could even be months. It's hard to know our baby is still in there, still whole but not alive.

To say we're crushed would be an understatement. We have an amazing baby boy who we love and adore, but we're both mourning the loss of yet another (our 4th) child who we never got to meet. It is easier, having what we have now, but it's still so hard, we so wanted to give our little guy a brother or sister to run around after. Minus a financial windfall, that is all gone now, somehow we need to pick ourselves up and be as happy as we can as a family of 3. Both of us grew up with siblings, so this all seems so bittersweet that our little guy will never get to experience that.

So that is the end of our story. To add a level of reality to those considering this route, we've spent around $60,000 on fertility treatments to be where we are today. Those loans will be with us for sometime to come....roll on insurance coverage for fertility treatments, it is so cruel that they are not.

We wish you all the luck in the world in your infertility journey.