Monday, February 17, 2014

What a difference a day makes

To cut a long story short, we have lost both babies. It's been an emotional few days, and will probably continue to be so for a while. Having had bleeding episodes on Saturday and Wednesday, this Saturday morning I started bleeding again, only this time it was different.

On Wednesday we saw our OB and got to have another ultrasound. They found two healthy hearts beating and sizes were good, however the size of my "bleeding area" or "Subchoronic Hemorrage" had grown. We talked to our midwife and she assured us there was really nothing we could do but watch and wait, and that this happens sometimes but good outcomes happen a lot.

On saturday morning we got ready to go out and meet a friend of ours at Freeport. Before we left however I started bleeding again, but this time I passed a large (very large) clot. B called the midwife and she asked us to come into the ER. By the time we got there I was bleeding heavily, in a lot of pain and passing lots of large clots. Before the Dr or midwife even arrived i'd passed one of the babies, a sight I hope to never have to see, or experience again. In a fog the midwife came in and prepared me for a pelvic exam. She saw my cervix was partially open and confirmed I was in the middle of a miscarriage. By this time my pain had got better and we were given the option to go home and wait or to have an ultrasound and potential D&C. I went for the later, more for the ultrasound than D&C, as I wanted to know what was going on in there.

We were taken down to the ultrasound once the on call tech got there (within 15 minutes, we were impressed). To our shock one baby was left, and the heart was still beating, though slower than it should have been. It's sac was compressed as well, and my entire uterus was clotted and filled with blood. Though it was a high to see the heartbeat, what was inevitable was obvious. While there was still a heartbeat I couldn't do a D&C, so we went home. Within minutes of arriving home I was in excruciating pain. The second baby was passed shortly after, along with more large ugly clots. I kept passing clots all that day, though the pain did start to fade and the bleeding started to slow by sunday.

I'm still emotionally lost, after all this work, effort and not to mention cost, we're left with nothing. From such joy a week early, to such pain. We're both ready to move on though, we're just figuring it through but are hopeful we can swing another IVF round. I don't want to wait, I know some people need time, but that would be worse for me, i'm not getting younger and with our issues the longer we wait the harder it'll be to realize having a family of our own. The longer i'm made to wait, the more anxious and stressed i'll become. It's not that i'm not mourning the loss of two, healthy, babies to something neither of us expected (if anything I was ready for a chromosome issue to take one or both of them, but not this), I am, I was ready, we were ready, we were thinking home improvements and double cribs. But we need to move on rapidly, especially since I might be out of a job at the end of the year, making expensive IVF treatments an impossibility on any salary I might pick up outside of Academia.

We'll see our OB to get an ultrasound to show everything is gone, and see the IVF clinic sometime this week to discuss next steps. I'm scared as I felt so fortunate to have IVF work on the first round, can that really happen again? Unless money falls from above, we've only got one more round in us.

Saturday 15th February we said goodbye to our 8wk old twins. We'd only known them for two month, and seen them a week earlier, but loved them no less.

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