Thursday, May 11, 2017

Even good news is never really good

Well, we had our viability scan yesterday; the good news was that the heart rate was 129, which was good. The bad news (to us, anyway) was that the CRL measured at 6w2d, when we were really 6w6d along. That immediately brought back memories of our last miscarriage, where the fetus measured behind and never caught up before eventually losing its heartbeat.

Our ultrasound tech is a nice lady who we've had before, and she was quite upbeat about it all - that the heart rate was good and the size was 'fine'. She wanted to start chatting about which OB/GYN we were going to use, and our hearts just weren't in it. Even with good news, it just feels like we're waiting for the other shoe to drop. We overheard her outside of the room explaining the results to our doctor's nurse, and she was expressing her surprise that the results seemed good to her, but that we seemed very concerned. That made me feel better, but of course then I think that with our history it's still not very good.

We met with our doctor afterward, and he was cautiously optimistic - he actually asked if we wanted to continue with him or with our regular OB/GYN, which he didn't offer with the miscarriage - he said we needed to come back for another scan. So that, too, seemed like a positive. I so want to believe that these folks, who see a huge range of people and pregnancies, know what a good one looks like. It's just really hard to believe.

I can't decide if I'm an 'omens' person or not - I always think of the movie 'Signs' when thinking about it, and I would normally say I land squarely on the not superstitious side of the fence. But then I kept trying to not shave during our cycles because I thought it was good luck. And yesterday, when we walked into the ultrasound room, "Sweet child o' mine" was playing on the tech's iPad. If that's not a good omen, I don't know what is. So we wait, we hope, and we worry.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

More waiting

We're pregnant....but as usual that doesn't make us turn cartwheels. I wish it did. I so wish for a "normal" pregnancy where you feel good shouting it out from rooftops (FYI, we've just had 2 people we know announce at 10 i'm feeling a little sensitive). But we can't.

Five eggs were retrieved...less than we wanted, but hey, it's something. Only two fertilized, so it was plan for a 3 day transfer. The transfer went well - one was 10 cell, one was 5 cell - so just about right. It was a funny transfer, with our Dr cracking jokes about me peeing on him (which I didn't...but i'd made my bladder "perfectly full" from the ultrasound, which started the giggles). So we couldn't have asked for more really (well, except some peoples 20 eggs and 15 fertilized with oodles to freeze...).

Our first HCG test came back at an awesome 308. Couldn't have asked for better - except maybe slightly lower, as that's well within "Twins" territory, which we are just terrified of the thought of. Because waiting is hard, we snuck in for another HCG test this Saturday - 3879 - also great (though down on the trajectory it was on).

And now its Tuesday, and i'm spotting red blood. Not like the bleeding i've had before (with our successful pregnancy) unfortunately...if I was having that I think i'd be feeling a bit more confident that baby was growing...but no, just red spotting, with a lack of pregnancy symptoms yesterday and today. It doesn't feel good. I hope i'm wrong. But I am yet again reminded of how much this part sucks.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Broken Record

I feel a bit like a broken record....but we're here again, to try "just once more". Financial lines fell into place, thanks to a wonderful donation from family, so we've signed up and have just started our 5th round of IVF, this time a fully medicated, fully ouchy needles, cycle. Will this be our last one? I don't know, I think i'm giving up saying that, but reality is the family donation will only cover one cycle. But I do know this is our last year of trying. I turn 39 this summer, my body had a hard time keeping our little guy safe last time, and age is not going to make that any better. We've both made a pretty firm decision, that if the cards don't align this summer, we're a family of 3 for the long haul.

So...we're on week 3 of acupuncture (this time B is trying some out too - there have been some new studies out showing increased motility with acupuncture), and day 4 of injections. The cycle is identical so far to the one we ended up with our baby boy from. I'm starting to feel the effects already - bloating, painful mid section - it's amazing how quickly those effects begin.

Wish us luck....

Friday, September 2, 2016

The end of the story.

Just hoping for a different result doesn't really change it, as we've learned the hard way this last few weeks. Yes, we were pregnant. Yes, we saw a baby on the ultrasound at 6.5weeks, heartbeat and all. Baby measured 3 days behind where they should be, so we went back the next week. Baby then measured 7 days behind where they should be. Our last ultrasound yesterday, officially at 9 weeks, and baby had no heartbeat.

We knew from reading up that that was the most likely outcome. I have a tilted uterus though, so there was this glimmer of hope that that was getting in the way and showing less growth than was real. Yesterday that all came crashing down, in many ways it was good to have a final answer, a resolution, rather than the uncertainty that we've had in the last month. The low hcg readings, the slightly smaller baby, then even smaller than it should have been. In all likelihood there were genetic issues - we're just shy of 40, so that isn't so unrealistic.

And now another wait. My body has yet to miscarry our deceased baby. If you're infertile a D&C is not a good idea (and who knows, maybe that 1 in a billion natural pregnancy might happen to us, so we don't want to affect those already low odds), so we wait. It could be days, it could be weeks, or it could even be months. It's hard to know our baby is still in there, still whole but not alive.

To say we're crushed would be an understatement. We have an amazing baby boy who we love and adore, but we're both mourning the loss of yet another (our 4th) child who we never got to meet. It is easier, having what we have now, but it's still so hard, we so wanted to give our little guy a brother or sister to run around after. Minus a financial windfall, that is all gone now, somehow we need to pick ourselves up and be as happy as we can as a family of 3. Both of us grew up with siblings, so this all seems so bittersweet that our little guy will never get to experience that.

So that is the end of our story. To add a level of reality to those considering this route, we've spent around $60,000 on fertility treatments to be where we are today. Those loans will be with us for sometime to come....roll on insurance coverage for fertility treatments, it is so cruel that they are not.

We wish you all the luck in the world in your infertility journey.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Endlessly Waiting

I had forgotten how much of this process is waiting. Waiting to start, waiting to see how the test results look, waiting to see if the pregnancy continues. It's pretty much all waiting, wondering, hoping, and, occasionally, panicking.

We're in another one of the significant waiting periods right now - we had a confirmation positive blood test based on HCG, and now we wait until we can go in for our viability ultrasound. Until then, there's a lot of speculation that can go on. How does R feel today? Pregnant? Not pregnant? What does another pee test reveal? Has it moved up the scale to indicate that the HCG is still increasing in her blood stream?

At the end of the day, of course, there's nothing we can really do to influence the outcome, nor even to really prepare ourselves for any bad news or disappointments - we're not in control of this biological process, and we will feel devastated if it ends, no matter whether we've guessed it before clinically proven or not.

Perhaps the best thing I could master would be an acceptance of the uncontrollable and the unknowable. I'm still working on that one, day by day.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Two Week Wait...

It's 4 days until we have the blood test....and as usual (well, as "usual" as IVF could ever be), I couldn't wait. Though this gives us hope, it also fills us with dread. Every single IVF we've been through, we've had a positive pregnancy test - this is round 4, and we have 1 child. Will it stick? Will I bleed? Will I miscarry? All these things go through my, and B's, heads....

The mini-IVF is definitely a lot less invasive than a full IVF cycle, though after two of them, we know we'd never have another mini - if we ever did this again (next summer at the earliest if this round doesn't work), we'd want to save up for a full round. We ended up with two follicles, two eggs, one fertilized and a 2 day transfer. The good news is that one embryo looked in far better shape than the one put back last time. There is of course no certainty, but at least that is a good sign. At this time in the last round, I was still getting a negative pee test as well, so that is also a good sign. But, as usual, i'm having a lot of pains and cramps....and of course now I have a whirling dervish of a toddler to run around i'm hardly taking it easy like I did with his pregnancy. I am off work, which is good, less excuses to make up when going for appointments, which is definitely far less stress.

Lets see what Thursday holds, when we get the blood test....

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Our last shot....

We started another mini 10 days ago, and today we had our first monitoring. Unless some financial windfall comes out way, this will be our last shot, and even with a financial windfall, I turn 39 next year, so next summer will certainly be the end of our journey.

So much at stake, and today we heard that we have just 2 follicles, and one is already looking (over?) mature. To say i'm bummed and feeling somewhat hopeless would be to put it mildly - this round we had a higher dose of clomid, and we'd talked to our Dr. about taking drugs to delay ovulation and increase our chances of more eggs becoming mature - yet it seems like our first monitoring came too late to do that. It's not something they usually do at this clinic, but we were hopeful we'd have the chance to do that this round...yet no. They're hoping the second follicle will catch up overnight, so lets hope it does so we can have 2 mature eggs retrieved this time around, and lets hope I don't start to ovulate on my own, definitely a risk with a follicle so large.....