Monday, March 17, 2014

Still waiting

I'm not good at waiting. B will confirm this in a heartbeat. This whole process has been a lot of waiting for me - testing for IVF, waiting for results. Starting IVF, waiting for blood results. Finishing IVF, waiting to see if it worked. Had a positive HCG test, waiting for the ultrasound. Bleeding, waiting to see if it mattered. And now the worst of the waiting by far. Miscarried, waiting for my HCG levels to return to normal. We're now 4 weeks on from that awful day, and i'm still bleeding, still anemic, and my HCG level is still 148. We were hoping to get into the April IVF session, but that is now not going to happen, the earliest we'll start is May.

Moreover, it is a reminder of something I don't need reminding about. Along with the extra 10 pounds I ballooned after the miscarriage (hormones i'm told), the tiredness, the dizziness, they're all reminders that i'm not pregnant anymore, and that I won't be until all this settles. I understand the need to wait, but my brain says no, I want to start again now, I want to put this behind me, I want to move closer again to a family of our own.

I'll do HCG tests weekly. There's nothing I can do to make it go down quicker, so it's just hope every time I have blood drawn that this week will be the one. Until then, I take my vitamins, supplements baby aspirin and iron, hoping that day will be soon.

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