Another long road over

This particular road has been long and bumpy, but i'm glad to say we're now over the hump, out of the woods and can see the future clearly again. The cytotec didn't work. The week after I took it we had a Saline Ultrasound appointment at Boston IVF, which our wonderful Dr. Lannon did. He found more tissue, well embedded, that would need removal via hysteroscopy. The news hit hard, but at least I could see forward, and at least it was now clear why nearly 8 weeks later I was still bleeding.

The next day the nurse called with our schedule for the hysteroscopy. I have to say that was the hardest day of this whole process - over 5 weeks they needed us to wait because of scheduling, meaning 5 more weeks of miscarrying. Suddenly I couldn't see the future, I couldn't see the way forward and I couldn't cope. The first time I think I have ever felt like that. Even through the initial miscarriage I could still look at baby things and think 'one day', suddenly the thought of another 5 weeks of miscarrying, another 5 weeks before they potentially found more wrong, another 5 weeks of bleeding and inability to 'get back to normal', another 5 weeks with a piece of what was once such joy to us still inside me, was too much to bare. I wanted to try cytotec again, I wanted drugs to induce a period, I wanted to do something, because sitting miscarrying for another 5 weeks just wasn't going to cut it for me. I really never want to feel like that again, and even starting thinking maybe this just wasn't for me, maybe we should move to adoption right now. No one could help either, though B tried, there was really nothing that could make me feel better, I just felt empty, defeated, alone.

Luckily within a week they called back with a cancellation, I could have the hysteroscopy on the 23rd April, nearly 10 weeks since the miscarriage. It went well, though my usual grogginess with anesthesia, Dr Lannon found the piece and managed to pull it free without cutting. Even more of a relief is he found nothing else in there, no morphological reason for the miscarriage and everything looked great. So great in fact we're on for June, and the evening of the surgery I started estrogen (as a substitute for the pill).

I should be elated, but it's hard. I can see the future again, which is good. I can look at baby things and think one day B and I will have our chance to go wild and spoil our children. But I also feel like we're right back at the beginning, right back where we started, only 6 months older, 6 months further along. I want to be hopeful, but it's still a slim chance it'll even work again, let alone get us to the point of being terrified we'll miscarry again. I found myself thinking again of what we could do differently next time to prevent a miscarriage (in reality nothing) and it suddenly struck me we might not even get pregnant, it's only a 30% chance we will.....

So here we go again.....we start injectables on the 30th May....