Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Endlessly Waiting

I had forgotten how much of this process is waiting. Waiting to start, waiting to see how the test results look, waiting to see if the pregnancy continues. It's pretty much all waiting, wondering, hoping, and, occasionally, panicking.

We're in another one of the significant waiting periods right now - we had a confirmation positive blood test based on HCG, and now we wait until we can go in for our viability ultrasound. Until then, there's a lot of speculation that can go on. How does R feel today? Pregnant? Not pregnant? What does another pee test reveal? Has it moved up the scale to indicate that the HCG is still increasing in her blood stream?

At the end of the day, of course, there's nothing we can really do to influence the outcome, nor even to really prepare ourselves for any bad news or disappointments - we're not in control of this biological process, and we will feel devastated if it ends, no matter whether we've guessed it before clinically proven or not.

Perhaps the best thing I could master would be an acceptance of the uncontrollable and the unknowable. I'm still working on that one, day by day.

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