Saturday, June 14, 2014


This round has definitely been harder. The process itself was much easier - less injections, shorter protocol, no lupron side effects keeping me bedridden. But there seems so much more at stake this time, so many more things to go wrong.

We had egg retrieval, and although disappointed, we did get 9 eggs, so we came home with at least the sense that it would be a little like last time, and were fairly certain we'd make it to egg transfer. The next day though it all came crashing down for me - only 4 fertilized. Now we're in limbo - we'll get a call today with our time to come in one monday (a 5 day transfer, even though we had so few eggs). I'm totally stressed out, I feel defeated and down. Today we could get a call saying don't come in, or even on monday they may let us know that nothing came through and there would be no transfer.

I remember this 'space' being stressful last time, but I guess I always knew there would be at least one to transfer, and at that time we were hopeful we'd have some to freeze (which we didn't). This time I just feel like all is lost, like I should be preparing to hear that we've been cancelled and there will be no transfer. So much of me is hardwired to expect the worst and be surprised when good comes. So much of B is completely the opposite, so at the moment he's having a hard time, and i'm even more stressed that i'm stressing him out. Oy! Talk about a can't win situation. I wish I could just blow it off, but the scientist part of me wants to know what the hell went wrong - everything looked so good - more follicles, more eggs, protocol for poor responders......where did our good outcome go? I don't want to wish away a baby before it's gone, but it's just hard to look on the bright side right now...

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